i can’t stand feeling and being alone at school
feels like i’m gonna have a panic attack when i think about being alone my whole life. i see no reason for anyone to ever want me. i’m boring, fat, awkward and my mind is fucked up. how is someone supposed to want to be with someone that thinks such fucked up things that i do. horrible horrible horrible.
i see no real future for me. i don’t see me in the future. not with anyone. i’m not even there.
i wonder what the people i know would think and say if they saw all the things here and everything that goes on in my mind.
saw a movie tonight. about a man helping a kid that saw ghosts. they talked all the time. turned out that the man was a ghost and he didn’t even know. the little boy did. since the beginning, probably. and it made me think: what if we think we are there, living and doing things, but in reality we’re not. we’re not anything.
made me realise that i feel like that. like i’m there going through the motions even thought i’m really not.
it hurts when i think about how my friends don’t need me. it hurts when they choose other people. it hurts when i always think i annoy them. because i probably do. all the time. and they’re just too polite to say anything.
there’s so much anxiety inside, feels like i’m going to burst, i haven’t cut in some time now, i don’t keep track because it reminds me of it and it’s not good to do it i know. so i don’t keep track.
because if i think about it, i think about why i do it and when i think of why i do it, i notice more and more of the bad things, like how i must’ve gained a lot of weight even though the scale doesn’t say so because i can see that i have and it’s fucking ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly and horrible and fatfatfatfatfatfatfat and the scale is lying to me
i need to stop before this gets too long, so until next time.
just wanna slit my wrists and get it all over with