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I can’t stop cutting. Haven’t been able to stop since I read the letter.

The letter from my school that said that we wouldn’t be able to buy our computers from school.

I can’t give up my mac. It’s my everything. It’s my whole life. It might sound overdramatic but I don’t think I’ll be able to live without it.

Because I don’t have any other computer that is mine. My stationary one has an error with a card thingy inside, making the screen flimmer with colours.

That mac is my little precious baby. How will I be able to lie without it?

I’ll only have my little sister’s super mini laptop that I hate. It’s so damn small that there isn’t even a DVD holder inside. It’s that small. And it doesn’t love me back the way this one does, we love each other so much and now the school is going to rip it away from me.

I don’t know if I’ll last the summer.

The worst part of this is probably that I’m not exaggerating.

Maybe coming back later, going back to the cutting. and crying. and hating life. 

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I’m sorry

I’m sorry

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I wonder why I torture myself like this with staying up so late and then waking up early.

I feel bad again. The good feeling I had in school two weeks ago feels as if it never happened and I feel so below everything right now. I said that to my mom earlier this evening (night) and she said that it was because I’d been sitting in my room all day. As if that’s the problem. I just wanted some sympathy for feeling bad and she brushed me off. Call me selfish, but it hurt.

I have also only eaten one piece of pie for breakfast and only a little food for lunch because I told my dad that I wasn’t hungry. He gave me an surprisingly small amount of food though.

And now I’m going to sleep. At 1 a.m. I’m so tired. I fell asleep at 3 and 2 yesterday and the day before.

Oh! I also found a site that sells non-prescription sleeping pills. I’m still not so sure if I’m going to buy them or not, thinking that I’d actually overdose by purpose if I held them in my hand.

Found out the best way for me to make yourself throw up today too. A little salt in the water. Easy. Definitely going to try that out as soon as possible.

Did only cut a little today. Nothing much at all. Hidden, of course.

Still, the scars I have, on my arms, the ones that are fully visible at almost all time, how how come none of my parents have picked up on it? None of my friends? (Except that one that know that I cut, or "used" to. Had to lie saying that I scraped my arm at my desk. Don’t know if she bought it though)

Wow. This became a really long post. Sometimes you just have to vent, I guess.

(Another thing is that my sims 3 game keeps freezing after I’ve played for like 2-4 minutes - not the whole screen, only the sims and animals and you can’t move the screen only the mouse, you can’t do anything, but the sound is still on and the plumbob and trees are still moving. If anyone know how to fix this, please, let me know. I’d be forever grateful.)

Sweet dreams and goodnight :)

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My arm feels all tingly and weird as if it wants me to cut it.

But instead on acting on it, I’m going to be good and go to sleep.

Goodnight.

It’s a weird fucking feeling.

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Crying. Because my dad’s such a dick sometimes. He complains that I’m sitting with my computer a little late when HE’S sitting watching TV with music on. And then when I say (calmly) that I’ll go to bed when he turns the TV off he gets all mad, all: You don’t use that tone with me!, when I didn’t even say it like that. And he like, yells, and wakes my mom up and she comes down and he says that I think I’m the mother now because I think I can tell him what to do. And now he went up and takes my little sisters computer too because it’s late and she want to watch the KCA and they yell at each other and everything. No wonder I’m so messed up. I hadn’t even cut for like 1,5 week. Fuck everything. I’ll probably not ever tell them how I really feel, how fucking DEPRESSED I am and how I don’t want to fucking live. Oh god please just let reverting stop. Pretty please?

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I’m so alone. My classmates and the year below us goes to Hungary on thursday, but they are free from school tomorrow. They will be gone 2 weeks. I decided months ago that I didn’t want to come with, because I’m already after in my schoolwork and I didn’t really want to go again since we went last year too. I didn’t really think it through - that it’ll be just me and other people that I don’t know.

I won’t have anyone in school. I’ll have to sit alone and work. I’ll have to eat alone.

I’ve always been anxious when I’m eating in school, even with other people, but now I’ll sit alone?

I won’t make it two weeks. I swear, I’m going to end up crying at least once these weeks. Probably more. A lot more. Why am I so weak?

I won’t have anyone and I’ll be so alone and I’m already so shy and shut down so I don’t know anyone and I can’t be with anyone and fuck now I’m crying and I don’t want to cut but I can’t help it with all these emotions and tears FUCK

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I try to be positive

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From yesterday. That was seconds before it rolled down my leg. You can even see the X

From yesterday. That was seconds before it rolled down my leg. You can even see the X

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a razor to the knee

I didn’t know that cutting your knee would make it bleed so much. I just felt like I had to because I felt something slide around under my skin so I wanted to cut it out (it sound sick but I get that feeling sometimes when I have things sliding around underneath my skin)

I don’t know why but I just made another cut on top of the other in a X formation. This cut became deeper and it bleeds so much now fuck.

This is on my knee, of all places. Never thought it would bleed that much there.

When this heals, it’ll probably leave a X shaped scar. Nothing suspicious with that at all. It’s going to be hard to explain that one.

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(I look thinner in the photo than I am in reality, and that’s saying something. Ignore my face too.)
Look at me.  See how fat I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be thin because of how thick the bones in my body are. I’ve always been, aways felt fat, even when I was little and I refused to wear clothes that I thought looked bad on me.
And then I got fatter. I didn’t get it, because I trained 2-3 times a week, but I still gained weight anyway.  I’ve always been stuck around 65 kilos (FAT!) but sometimes I get down to 60 and my stomach becomes smaller and I feel better. But not now. 
I’m not beautiful, I don’t want to eat a lot and I am fat. And I cut.
Sigh. I need to go to school now. Fuck.

(I look thinner in the photo than I am in reality, and that’s saying something. Ignore my face too.)

Look at me.  See how fat I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be thin because of how thick the bones in my body are. I’ve always been, aways felt fat, even when I was little and I refused to wear clothes that I thought looked bad on me.

And then I got fatter. I didn’t get it, because I trained 2-3 times a week, but I still gained weight anyway.  I’ve always been stuck around 65 kilos (FAT!) but sometimes I get down to 60 and my stomach becomes smaller and I feel better. But not now. 

I’m not beautiful, I don’t want to eat a lot and I am fat. And I cut.

Sigh. I need to go to school now. Fuck.

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Oh god I feel so fat. I eat normally again, which I shouldn’t. I should’ve kept skipping breakfast and dinner and only eat a little for lunch, but now I eat too fucking much.

I’m going to skip breakfast tomorrow if I can get away with it, and hopefully keep that up. After a while I might even be able to skip dinner again.

I need to get thinner. Nobody would want me like this. No one does. I’m disgusting.

Now I have to sleep, I have to get up in 5 hours. Ooops. I should’ve gone to bed at least an hour ago, but oh well.

Sweet dreams, me.

(Drop something in my ask while I sleep? I would be happy in the morning and maybe even not cut…?)