On my way to buy quality pencil sharpeners. (guess why)
I feel so fucking numb right now. It’s only been two days of school and I’m already so fucking tired of pretending that I know what I’m doing.
The only thing I’ve been doing these past two days is to act as if I’m not falling apart inside, as if I’m as normal as they are. (here comes the fucking tears again)
I’m so lonely, I don’t know anyone there. I’ve only talked to like two or three people, and two of them was only because we were in the same discussion group. I walked and talked to the third one today but she’s like two years older than me plus that she’s already got a good friend there.
christ i’m so fucking edgy and i want to cut but i won’t because i haven’t for over a month and i will not throw that away.
if they only saw me right now, saw me, they’d all be disgusted. because that’s the reaction to someone that is disgusting. fuck.
i don’t want to do this. even if i have to.
I haven’t had the need to cut since school ended and now that it’s started again - well, it’s good to know that school makes me suicidal.
Rant
When I say that I’m fat is it not something I just say, because I am fat. Not skinny and saying that I’m fat.
I am and has always been on the verge of being overweight and it’s something that has been bothering me all my life.
Sometimes I look into the mirror an drink; wow, I might actually be pretty, but then I see a picture or video of me and goes back to hating how I look because I’m not good looking. I’m ugly. I’m fat.
I just want to be thin and pretty. Is that really too much to ask for?
It’s no wonder no one wants me.
I can’t even be myself around people because I know they’ll grow bored of me, that I annoy them. I probably do.
The worst part is that I complain about stuff other people do, that I do too. I’m such a hypocrite. I’m a horrible person.
Bad personality, ugly face, fat body.
Can I just end everything already, before I go insane?
I can’t even claim to be anorexic even if I don’t eat because I always end up eating stuff and I’ve never not eaten anything for more than a day and I’m so awful. Not worth anything.
And now I’m ranting and being annoying and self pitying and that’s not how I want it to sound but it does and fuck this became way too long.
I’m sorry.
A few months ago the people in my class and me had to fill out this thing about ourselves and the school. I don’t remember if the whole school did it or only our year but yes. Everything was private, you didn’t write your name on it and such.
So there was this question that I had a little hard time trying to decide if I should answer it honestly or not. The question was: Have you ever intentionally harmed yourself?
Okay. And only because everything was being treated anonymously I decided to write that yes, I had intentionally harmed myself. Still am. And I’m quite proud over it. That I actually answered it honestly.
That’s all I wanted to say.
Today has turned out to be a day when I want to kill everyone.
I partially blame it on that I’m gonna have to turn in my computer on Tuesday. I’d thought I would’ve had to then it in Monday but we’re having soccer all that day so no one will be in school. So Tuesday.
Dreading that day. Sob.
I can’t stop cutting. Haven’t been able to stop since I read the letter.
The letter from my school that said that we wouldn’t be able to buy our computers from school.
I can’t give up my mac. It’s my everything. It’s my whole life. It might sound overdramatic but I don’t think I’ll be able to live without it.
Because I don’t have any other computer that is mine. My stationary one has an error with a card thingy inside, making the screen flimmer with colours.
That mac is my little precious baby. How will I be able to lie without it?
I’ll only have my little sister’s super mini laptop that I hate. It’s so damn small that there isn’t even a DVD holder inside. It’s that small. And it doesn’t love me back the way this one does, we love each other so much and now the school is going to rip it away from me.
I don’t know if I’ll last the summer.
The worst part of this is probably that I’m not exaggerating.
Maybe coming back later, going back to the cutting. and crying. and hating life.
I have two presentations for tomorrow. I haven’t even started with one of them and it’s eight o’clock in the evening in twenty minutes. I just can’t concentrate on anything. Can’t sit still on my bed. But I need to do this now because I have to. Probably won’t get a lot of sleep tonight either. Slept one hour last night.
And I’ve sung and had choir the whole day in school and I’m so tired. I just want to sleep. But I need to do these assignments about history and an argumentation speech about how homosexuals (and the others) should have the right to marry, among other things.
So tired.
Hadn’t eaten anything in 21 hours. Then my parents came home with food and gave it to me. One hour after that they came with cake and cookies because it’s my mom’s birthday tomorrow. And now my tummy hurts.
Mom, why the hell would you feel ashamed over me only because I still lie in my bed at half past one in the afternoon. Is that really a legit thing to feel ashamed of? Really?
My pillow smells good.
Almost like my older sister.
I like that scent. It’s soothing.
Eating too much results in cutting. Okay. Now I know.
Oh god. This is going too far.
I had a dream again. About cutting.
Only that it wasn’t me. It was this boy from my class. And I know that he doesn’t cut.
I dreamed of pictures of his arms full of cuts.
What’s going on with me?
